I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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