It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
