I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
