he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
