When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize