I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
