i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
