I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
