My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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