We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
