First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
