I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
