my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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