I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
