remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
