A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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