you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
