well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize