he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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