New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
