I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
