why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize