to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think a kid would responsible me up
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
