can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
