I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize