Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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