WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
