if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
