My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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