We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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