Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
