"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's always time for handjobs
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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