ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
