Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
