Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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