whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
