Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
