I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
