He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
