You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
