JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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