I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
