I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
