Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize