This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize