I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
