i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
