Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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