I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
