bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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