It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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