Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
