My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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