dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What did we do last night that was yellow?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
50% drunk capacity currently
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
