living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
