If that was your dad, he is hot
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Floor bacon is actually really good
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
