In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
