fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
