Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
