Your dad touched me again.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize