...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
