you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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