someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
