Umm I'm too high to move.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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